I have two beautiful children, 3 years old and just turned 1. Both of my pregnancies were rough. Both of their births were even more rough. I will start with the first.
First Pregnancy
With my first we tried to get pregnant for 8 months before finally getting pregnant. I was beyond excited when I finally saw that positive sign on the test. But, the pregnancy was no cakewalk. I was so sick, vomiting every day until the day I gave birth. I lost 20 pounds in the first few months, I looked and felt terrible. My baby was breech until 34 weeks, I convinced myself I would just have to have a scheduled cesarean because I couldn’t risk a version. But when she turned head down, I was practically jumping for joy. There was nothing I wanted more than to have a “normal” vaginal delivery. I developed borderline gestational hypertension at the end of the pregnancy and begged to be induced at 39 weeks for a combination of the hypertension along with just being plain miserable. The morning of my induction at 5am, I got a call from the labor and delivery charge nurse saying that they were understaffed and busy. Basically, I was placed “on call” for when I could come in to be induced. I had to call every few hours to check in on the status of things. Finally, at 4pm, they said I could come in! This was the evening of December 23rd.
Hospital Time!
I got to the hospital, was checked, and I was 2-3cm. They started me on Pitocin to begin my induction. I was so nervous that my labor was going to be long and I would have to deal with the oncoming OBGYN that next day. I knew the doctor on the next day and he was someone that I avoided because of the way he treats people. I labored throughout the night, not really feeling the contractions too much. They came in to break my water at 2am. I then requested nitrous oxide as the contractions were beginning to be more intense.
The OB came in again at 5am to check my progress before he left, he said I was 6cm (I was 5cm when he broke my water). The OB that I was trying to avoid came in about 8am on December 24th. First thing he did was check me and said there was no way that I was 6cm, that I was no more than 5 and that we needed to start talking about a c-section. He also said that he wanted an IUPC (intrauterine pressure catheter) placed to see how effective my contractions were, and if they couldn’t keep the baby on the monitor, they would need to place a scalp electrode. I had written a birth plan that stated I did not want internal monitoring, and wanted to avoid a cesarean if possible. This was all within 10 minutes of him coming on shift, in that time he had just shattered my confidence and tried to force me into everything I didn’t want. I reluctantly agreed to the IUPC and asked if we could try an epidural to attempt to relax enough to dilate further. Even though I wanted an unmedicated delivery, I wanted a vaginal delivery more. So I got the epidural, and I was able to rest a little, but I needed the anesthesiologist to come back and bolus my epidural multiple times due to breakthrough pain. Of note, I was still able to move around in the bed with the epidural.
At about 2pm, I started shaking, thinking I was cold, I asked for warm blankets. Come to find out, I was complete and baby was ready to come! I started crying I was so happy, we were finally getting somewhere! After pushing for two hours, the OB came in to check my progress. He mentioned again about the need for a c-section if I couldn’t get her out. Thankfully at this point, her heart rate was still doing ok so I told him I was going to continue to try. After hour 3 of pushing, the OB came in again to check progress. He said she had not come down any further than the last time he was in. He said we could talk about vacuum or forceps, but he really didn’t think she was going to come this way. I was so incredibly exhausted and tired at this point (25 hours since admission), and we could see on the monitor that baby was getting tired as well (her heart rate began dipping with contractions). I knew in my heart that a c-section was in the best interest of everyone.
Birth of My Daughter
The medication they gave me for the c-section made me violently ill. I could not stop vomiting all the way in to the OR, on to the bed, and even laying there while they draped everything. I could still move my feet after the anesthesiologist had dosed my epidural, and I asked him if that was normal. He assured me that it could be normal. Then they did the pinch test to see what I could feel. I told them that some of their pinches were very noticeable. But, I was brushed off, because they began. My husband was not in the OR yet when they made the first cut. When he did come in, I remember telling him that I needed him to come hold my hand because it hurt so much. I kept moaning and screaming that I could feel so much, but no one was listening. I remember just trying to hold out for that baby’s first cry that just never came. The next thing I remember was waking up (I had blacked out) and trying to focus on the screen in front of me. I saw a baby, purple, and frankly not very cute, wrapped up lying on my chest and screaming its head off. Words that I couldn’t control were coming out my mouth, “its ok baby”. I had absolutely no idea who this baby was. Then I blacked out again.
The next time I woke up, the room wouldn’t stop spinning and I couldn’t focus my eyes on anything. There was so much pain and they were closing me up.
I don’t remember my daughter being born, I have pictures of me with her in the OR with my eyes open and looking at her, that I don’t remember. I was given Ketamine, a medication to make me forget (blackout) instead of being put under general anesthesia. I have bits and pieces that I flash back to and a visceral memory of the pain of them cutting me. I had severe PTSD and PPD that I had to work through in my recovery. But I finally did.
Second Pregnancy
My second baby was a quick positive test, much to our surprise. But, the pregnancy was just as difficult. Once again being diagnosed with Hyperemesis until the day I gave birth. I had to go in to get IV fluids several times because I couldn’t even keep water down. But, this time I was determined. I switched OB providers (I couldn’t risk having the same delivery doctor again) and hired a doula because I was going to get a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). But, then the pandemic hit. I am a nurse and I was petrified to go to work being 8 months pregnant. I was able to go out on maternity leave a little early, and I soaked in those last couple of weeks of being a family of 3.
On the morning of April 25th, 2020, I woke up at 4am with severe back pain that I couldn’t get to go away. I wasn’t sure if this was labor or not, so I called my mom to come to the house (she’s a labor nurse). She arrived at 6:30am and decided we should have my doula come to the house at 9am. My mom thought this was early/prodromal labor since I could talk and laugh between “contractions”. She was still saying this when we decided to call the OB on-call at the hospital at 2pm to see what I should do. The OB said I should go ahead and head in to the hospital since I was a TOLAC (trial of labor after cesarean) and see how baby was doing.
Birth of My Son
When I arrived at the hospital (mind you, I still didn’t know if I was in active labor or not), they checked me and I was 7-8cm. I was admitted and the OB came to talk with me. She wanted me to get an epidural as she likes all of her TOLAC patients to have in case of an emergency. I told her my experience with the epidural was extremely traumatic and I absolutely would not get one this time. I stated I knew the risks and I was ok with being put under a general if an emergency arose. She said ok. After an hour I had not made any progress, so they broke my water. After my water broke the contractions became a little more unbearable. They became intense and extremely painful. I called my doula to put her on speakerphone (she couldn’t come to the hospital due to COVID) and she helped me breathe through the contractions. I tried sitting on the side of the bed on an exercise ball to get through it, but at one point I was practically crawling up the walls in pain. At the point that I said I couldn’t do it anymore, I was uncontrollably pushing with each contraction. The nurse was having a hard time picking up baby on the monitor so she had me stand up and she checked me…complete! It was time to see this baby. So I crawled in to the bed, caught my IV on the bedsheets and it pulled out. All of a sudden a ton of people came in to the room. They were all dressed head to toe in PPE so I could only see their eyes. As I was getting situated in the bed, they put a scalp electrode on baby’s head (2 of them) and were picking up a heart rate of about 40, and it was not recovering. One nurse was on my arm trying to restart the IV and the other nurse was in my face telling me that we needed to get this baby out NOW. I needed to push him out NOW, he was not doing well. After about 3 pushes, I could feel a very quick ring of fire and then his head was out. I kept pushing and his body was out. A gush of blood came out with him (later found out my placenta was abrupting). They placed him very quickly on my abdomen but he was pale, limp, not moving, and not crying. They swiftly cut the cord and the NICU team came in to start working on him. He needed 2 minutes of PPV and 9 minutes of CPAP before he finally started whimpering. He had a tight nuchal and a true knot in his cord that tightened during transition. I know that God was looking over us that day because if I had not made it into the hospital when I did, and had I accidentally had him at home, he would not have survived. If I had had an epidural, my body would not have taken over and pushed him out as quickly as it did, and he would have been without oxygen for so much longer trying to get him out in the OR.
I am so incredibly grateful for my babies but it was a really hard road to get to where we are. Breastfeeding has been a struggle with both kids as well, failed with my daughter and limped our way to one year with my son.
About theAuthor:
Hi, I’m Megan! I was born and raised in Oregon. I am a postpartum nurse, loving wife, and mama to two little kiddos and two crazy dogs.
