In September 2016, I married my sweet husband! We wanted to wait about a year to try to start a family. Once we began trying, I realized something was not right. My cycles were extremely long and we needed to go through infertility specialists as I was not ovulating. This was hard to accept, but we made it through all those appointments and procedures and in the end only needed to take an oral medicine and an HCG trigger shot. In October 2018, we finally got that positive pregnancy test & our due date was June 22, 2019! I was so lucky and had a very easy pregnancy. No days of nausea and I loved every minute of it. Baby and mama were both very healthy the entire pregnancy.
Ryan’s Birth- Not What I Expected
I went into labor on June 23rd. My husband is a firefighter and, of course, was on shift when labor began. My water had broken and I was so worried about calling him home for false labor. I called and said “I think my water broke, I’m not sure though. I’ll call you back.” Meanwhile, my contractions were so close together, I was in pain, and water was indeed gushing out. I called him back and told him he definitely needed to get home. We got to the hospital around 10pm and I was at 5cm and progressing quickly. The nurse in triage asked me what my birth plan was. I was in so much pain, I said, “I don’t know what you’re asking, but I definitely want an epidural!” By the time I got my epidural I was nearly 7 cm. My only real birth plan was to have skin to skin immediately after birth and not die (I had an “unrealistic” idea that dying could occur, but often told myself that women do this every day!). I wanted to do skin to skin for hours after birth, as long as I could. I wanted to push that baby out and I wanted all those magical moments that happen afterward, but at the moment, all I could think of was the pain in my back. Around 3am, it was time to push. Everything seemed to be so calm and going so well, until it was not. I pushed and I pushed. After 4 hours and meconium being present in my fluids, the OB came in and said I was nearing my pushing time limit. The magic disappeared and as soon as she mentioned the words suction and vacuum, the lights turned on and 15 people were in my delivery room. We tried the suction and vacuum with no luck, it was C-section time. Again, not really my birth “plan”. I cried when she told me this, the cries came on their own. I wasn’t even sure why I was crying at the time. Now I realize it was because I tried so hard, I was so exhausted, and I wanted my baby here. I was wheeled into surgery and at 8:17am on June 24, 2019, my sweet miracle boy was born! He was 8lb 6 oz and the doctor said “no wonder you couldn’t push him out.” He was big (I am naturally very thin), “sunny side up”, and his head was crooked in the birth canal. The odds were against me in the pushing department. I cried when I heard his cries, but the magic continued to disappear at this point. I was so shaky and nauseous from the C-section that I could not (and honestly did not want to) hold my baby. I just did not feel well.
I had my eyes closed for the next hour or so just waiting for the feeling to pass. When I finally opened my eyes I saw the best sight, my husband skin-to-skin with our newborn baby boy. Remember those hours of skin-to-skin that I so badly wanted? I just could not do it; I didn’t have it in me. After the C-Section, the doctor told us that I had lost a “little extra blood”. But apparently this was not too concerning. The following day I was being checked out by the nurses and I saw a little bit of panic flush over them. They said that I was bleeding a bit more than I should have been. So they weighed all my pads and dressings and then called the doctor in. This was considered a moderate hemorrhage and the doctor used his hand to scrape the inside of my uterus to remove all of the clots that were sitting in it. After that I was given Pitocin to help contract my uterus and an iron transfusion to help my body replenish after the blood loss. I did not think much of this at the time and figured that with all of those interventions, I would be fine.
When Postpartum Becomes an Emergency
We left the hospital on June 26th and did not get much sleep that night, I am sure this is very typical for the first night home. On June 27th we were getting ready for bed and all of a sudden I started to feel as if I were peeing my pants, I wasn’t sure and walked quickly to the toilet. I was not peeing, I was bleeding. Bleeding A LOT. So much blood and my bathroom had so much blood all over it as well. I was so scared. My husband called 911 (He is a firefighter in our City and so he was calling his coworkers to come). Thank god for a calm husband, he was amazing even though I knew he was scared too. I could see it in his face.
The crew arrived and they were so wonderful and calming for me. The captain even stayed back and cleaned up the scary looking bathroom for us. They made me feel at ease at a time when I didn’t know what was going to happen. I thought I was going to die and leave my husband with this little baby boy. We headed to the hospital, my husband and baby following behind. Once in the ER I was immediately taken back. My husband and son showed up, but really, the ER is no place for a newborn baby. Therefore, we had family pick him up and take him home to care for him. The OR was occupied when I got there. As I am losing A LOT of blood, I am also receiving some, for over an hour! They called for a massive blood transfusion protocol over the hospital for me. I received so much blood and plasma. I then met the OB and the additional OB that was called in who would be doing my surgery to see what was going on. There were so many doctors and anesthesiologists and nurses, it seemed like chaos. The plan was that they were going to go in through my C-Section scar to investigate the cause of the bleeding (exploratory laparotomy) and then do a D&C to remove anything that may be causing it or insert a Bakri ball for uterine contraction. I was in there for quite a while and after the bakri ball was placed in my uterus and I was stapled back up, I woke as I was leaving the OR.
I Just Wanted To Live
As I was coming to I said that I was bleeding A LOT again. I could feel it. I was rushed back in and given the most heartbreaking news (At the time I was not heartbroken, I did not care what needed to be done. I just wanted to live). I needed an emergency hysterectomy, they were going to remove my uterus to save my life. The uterus that was supposed to carry my second child, the one that so successfully carried my first. It was the last resort and a life saving measure though. Blood had pooled around the Bakri Ball and “profuse bleeding” was occurring. I was in surgery for even more hours. I went to recovery completely out of it, but I was alive. I was in the hospital recovering for 5 days, away from my newborn. I experienced many things I hadn’t before. So many needle pricks, procedures, medications, people in and out of my room, etc. But anxiety, anxiety was the big one. I had never really experienced that before. I had so much anxiety about bleeding and going home. I had flashbacks of the blood and I was just scared. I asked the doctors what the chances of me bleeding again were so many times, I lost count. I was offered and accepted an Ativan one day in my hospital stay because I was consumed by the anxiety. I had never taken one, so it completely knocked me out, thankfully.
The OB who did my surgery was so wonderful and calming for me. The lactation consultants would come in and cry with me as I was pumping every three hours around the clock. I was just kind of a wreck, I felt like my life had just changed so drastically and I didn’t even know how to continue normal life or what that would even look like once I left the hospital. I missed so many days of my newborns life and I was so scared for myself that I didn’t even feel like I cared (I definitely cared). My sweet husband stayed with me every day/night because I could not be alone. He helped me up and down, helped me pump so I didn’t lose my supply, dealt with all the nurses in and out, all the noisy machines, and loved on me when I felt and looked my worst. Our family took shifts with our baby and gave him all the love that I could not, my friends and family came to the hospital and showed us more love than I’ve ever known, and my mama friends donated their precious breast milk.
Discharge and Postpartum Part 2
I thought I did not want to and could not go home or something bad would happen again. Once I got home I realized that being with my baby was the best recovery and the thing I needed most. Some of the anxiety went away, but I still had flashbacks. The flashbacks came mostly at night and I struggled with the nights and nighttime anxiety over bleeding again. Overall, I was doing much better with the anxiety than I had expected. Life with a newborn was a struggle, recovery was a struggle. I quickly realized that life goes on no matter the circumstance. Being in that tiny hospital room for so many days was so outside of my norm. Getting back to my (new) normal was what I needed most. I remember feeling so angry looking on Social Media. People complaining about the most mundane things and living their lives like nothing happened while mine had shattered. I had difficulty bonding and did not love the newborn stage like I had hoped. It was difficult, my mental state had shifted, and my body was healing.
I am now fully physically recovered, just have that scar as a reminder of what I went through. They think that the hours of pushing and him being pushed back up the birth canal for C-section caused some sort of tear that they missed. Unfortunately, they don’t really know for sure what caused the severe hemorrhage. I was not diagnosed with anything that caused it, it just happened. I wish they could have given me a more concrete reason. The doctor who performed my C-section said he had never had something like this happen in his 18 years, I think he is still scratching his head. The Doctor that performed my hysterectomy was a literal angel. We have emailed and she has expressed her guilt that often comes to her over the hysterectomy. I had never thought about how she must feel, making such a difficult and life-altering decision like that. My anxiety is much better now, but I still have times that I can feel it for different reasons and I had never experienced that prior to my trauma. My grief will always be there and it comes and goes and I go through all the stages. Sometimes it is all consuming and sometimes it is just faintly in the background. I always wanted two children. Not just one. I am grieving a child that was just an idea of the future. I feel guilt for thinking of a second child so often. My birth trauma has changed me and that is okay. I am a more empathetic person; you never know what people are dealing with!
About the Author
My name is Chelcy, I am 2nd grade teacher. I have been married to my husband Nick for 5 years and we have an almost 2 year old son named Ryan.
