What do you do when what was supposed to be one of the most memorable days of your life becomes memorable for all the wrong reasons? My daughter’s birth broke my heart into a thousand different pieces, and I’ve spent the last year trying to put it back together.

Laboring at Home

My due date was July 10th. The day came and went with no signs of her showing up anytime soon. It was peak summer heat and I was heavily pregnant. Anyone who’s been there knows, this is when you are more than ready for your child to make their exit strategy known. When my due date came and went, I scheduled an induction with my OBGYN practice. 

The night prior to my scheduled induction, what I thought were more Braxton hicks contractions started up. I had been having them for weeks and just assumed that’s what they were. They started around 7:30 Wednesday night. Around 10 p.m. contractions had gotten strong enough that I started tracking them on my phone. I kept thinking to myself that they’d die down any moment and it would all just be a false alarm. Later, I thought I would go to bed and try to get some sleep. By Midnight I still couldn’t fall asleep and even trying to sleep felt useless at that point. I decided to take a shower and see if that helped with the pain. I spent about 45 minutes in the shower during contractions and at times was almost unable to stand. For early labor this was not what I expected. I spent the next few hours rotating between trying to sleep and rest. Around 4a.m. I had been having steady contractions that were a minute long and had been going on for an hour. I knew that was a good sign, but given my goal was an unmedicated labor I wanted to labor at home as long as possible. 

Contractions kept up and it hit a new level of intensity around 5. At this point, my husband who had been sleeping through all this next to me asked how close contractions were and asked to see my phone. He realized at that point my contractions had been 3 to 5 minutes apart for over 2 hours. In a panic he asked if we should go to the hospital, at the very least phone the doctor on call. I was adamant no call needed to be made and I’d let him know when. Honestly, I still laugh about it because he was very concerned, he’d have to deliver a baby himself at home.

Around 5:30, I had back-to-back contractions so intense, I thought that’s it, I’m trying the OB on call and am going to see what they say. I thought for sure, I’d have to convince him I was in labor or he’d ask me questions or something. He just said come in and let’s have a baby. Looking back now, what I liked most about this exchange and couldn’t articulate at the time, was that he trusted me.  No fuss, no convincing. When I hung up the phone, I was excited and scared too. We got to the hospital around 6. 

Arriving at The Hospital

Upon arriving on the labor and delivery floor, they took some general information and sent me to triage. The nurse was friendly and personable which made me feel a lot better. She was telling me how she and the OB on call for my practice had delivered a baby that night. She genuinely seemed really excited about it. Upon checking me, it turned out I was 5cm dilated at that point. Honestly, I was surprised and sort of excited that I had was that far along. I was hopeful, but you never know. At that point, I was admitted. We walked through some of the preferences and questions you have for birth and your stay. Breastfeeding… pain management, all the things. I think about this point a lot now, as I had planned to go unmedicated. During contractions at home, I had said to my husband that I thought I had wanted an epidural when I got to the hospital. I was still unsure, but we decided to go ahead and move forward with it. Once we got through all the administrative items and admission tests my assigned nurses came to get me. If was shift change at this point and she also had a student nurse shadowing her for the day. I was in the hospital gown and I remember they got another one to put on me in reverse to cover me as they had me walk from triage to my L&D room. Hospital gowns are obviously open in the back and they didn’t want me to feel exposed. The nurse kept apologizing to me as I was walking to the room.

Once we got to the room, they hooked up to all the monitoring. Blood pressure, fetal, you name it. I remember contractions were so intense at this point I had trouble laying down. During this I stood up to breathe through it. I remember my nurse looking a little annoyed at that point, but I couldn’t lay flat. After that contraction I managed to get situated and they let me know the CRNA would be with me shortly for my epidural. They placed the epidural shortly before 8 and honestly it was one of the best experiences. I often have regretted the decision to get the epidural since, but it wasn’t painful, and I barely noticed the placement. My nurse really supported and coached me through it. Afterwards, I just felt calm and I was hopeful to get some rest.

Shortly after I got my epidural the OB on call came in to check on me and say hi. He also commented on how far along I was and how sure of myself I had sounded on the phone. I made some joke about not having wanted to show up and get sent home. He said that as I was scheduled for an induction that night, they would have kept me anyways. The OB stayed to chat for a few minutes and then headed out as his call shift was ending. The nurse let me know she’d be back in an hour to check on me and my husband went to the cafeteria to grab some food.

A little after 9 the nurse came back to check on me and see how I was doing…I call this the drill (pain level, cervical exam, positioning.) I kind of felt like a hot dog on rotation at times. A weird analogy I know, but a very specific method to the madness. As there was a student nurse with her, I got two cervical exams each time they came in. You learn a lot about people in the way they teach and communicate. I remember after the student nurse did an exam and they were comparing how dilated I was among other things, the nurse said she tends to be more conservative in her exams. Meaning, if you’re between a 7 and 6, she would say 6. As they were wrapping up, the OB on call for that day came in.

An Awkward Encounter Turned Violent

As he was standing in the doorway, he asked me if we had met before. We had in fact, at 3 different prenatal appointments, 2 in the last month. I nervously nodded my head and said yes. It was awkward, I could tell he felt uncomfortable after that. I often think of this moment and wonder how the day might have gone differently if I said no. He didn’t say anything after that really. He grabbed some stuff out of the corner of the room, washed his hands, and came over to check on me. He did a cervical exam and let me know I was still 6 cm dilated. He then started to get what I now know is called an amniotomy hook out of the packaging to break my water. He was sitting beside me on the bed doing this. I knew what he intended to do, but he said nothing to me. Not here’s what happening, no discussion, not anything. I remember thinking, just tell him no. Tell him that you want to wait. I wanted to wait to break my water unless it was necessary for many reasons, infection, the clock it puts you on in my hospitals etc. I couldn’t say anything, I just smiled at him so he would have to acknowledge me, and he smiled back and then he broke my water. This was a life changing moment for me however small it may seem to some. What I couldn’t acknowledge then but can see now if how violated I felt by this. It’s worth mentioning here that I am a survivor of sexual assault. While it happened 13 years prior to me giving birth, this moment took me back. It’s a birth experience I never mentioned to my therapist as I was too embarrassed. Embarrassed that I found myself in that situation and embarrassed that I let it happen again. The nurse charted the time, color and amount of fluid and they all left the room.

The nurse came back awhile later for another exam and to see how I was. I was 8cm dilated at this point and labor was progressing well. I remember being relieved about this. As I was scheduled to be induced, I really worked hard to let go of any expectations for the day, but it appeared I had a good chance of having a vaginal birth, with labor that wouldn’t go on for days. The nurse came back to check on me around 10:45 and at the time I was almost complete. Again, she was surprised.  She called the OB to update him and to order Pitocin for after delivery. She also let him know how far along I was to check his schedule. I think she thought he would have a delivery or something soon, but I don’t think he did. He had an ECV that day and two c-sections so she was trying to catch him. She seemed to be a seasoned nurse who was prepared for everything. She had started to ask me for consent for Pitocin post-delivery. My husband had asked questions for me throughout the day. He knows I won’t always ask or advocate for myself in the way I should and he’s good about being a supportive partner. We had taken a 6 week long course with a local doula, so I felt prepared for most things. I had commented to him when he asked what it was for that it was to likely help prevent postpartum hemorrhage if you wanted an actively managed third stage of labor. At this point the labor and delivery nurse asked if I was a nurse. In that moment I felt like I had prepared well if this woman was asking this question. She let me know I had a bit of a cervical lip, but that she was going to go to lunch and when she got back she would see where I was, but I would likely be having a baby soon!

While she was on lunch, I could tell labor was progressing. Despite having an epidural, I could still move around pretty well and could feel an intense pressure. My husband kept asking if I was in pain and if we should call the nurse’s station. I kept saying no but reached a point where I thought we should.  A nurse came to see us and basically told me they could see the monitors form the desk, I was fine and here’s why. Let’s just say she was a gem of a human and I’m thrilled the nurse working with me that day was not her. A little before 11:30 my nurse came back to see me and I was complete. I did a few practice pushes and we decided to keep going. I had a lot of feeling and she let me tell her when I felt it was time to push. I liked that I really felt like I was in charge and that it was just the three of us at this point. It was calm. During this time, you could begin to see my daughters head during pushes. The nurse commented how you could see all her dark hair and told my husband to look if he wanted. Mister I’ll stay by your head leaned down in the action and he looked so excited. I won’t forget that look either.

 A little while into pushing the nurse moved from standing beside me in between contractions to standing at the end of the bed. Her demeanor changed at some point from a level of calm encouragement to nervous watching. She kept making eye contact with me and at the time I wondered, “does she think I’m too tired, like I can’t do this?” I now know this look was likely for other reasons. Almost an hour into pushing, the nurse suddenly turned me to my left side. In the moment you’re just trying to get through. I know this should have signaled something more serious to me, but she remained so calm. She encouraged me to push on my left side and then asked if I wanted to keep pushing on my side. It was hard for me to really tell at that point what was working well.

A Change of Plans

The OB came in the room a few minutes later. He sat down on the side of the bed and coached me through some pushing while he checked on my daughter and did a vaginal exam. While this was occurring, he turned to the nurse and said it feels like there is a piece of tissue blocking things and she said I thought so. Turns out I had a vaginal septum, which was complicating things. I can’t assume what his intent was because I don’t know for sure, but I think he tried to move it out of the way so to speak as he pulled the tissue to one side with his hand during the exam. I only know this because my whole body shifted slightly. Following this, he was still sitting on the bed beside me and he looked at me and said I’m concerned about your baby’s heart-rate and the amount of blood you have lost so far. The way he said it freaked me out. He looked me directly in the eyes when he calmly said this to me. He was showing both concern but also emotion I hadn’t experienced him with that day or during any prenatal visits in which I saw him. He was very much a business-as-usual no emotion old school provider. He seemed very much an unquestioned expert and this type of exchange scared me.  After he said this, I remember there being a long enough pause to wonder what he would say next. Did they want to do a c-section? He then said he would like to do a forceps delivery. This wasn’t even on my radar. C-sections are incredibly common, so of course I had done endless reading about that in my prep but the only thing I could even recall was that your risk of 3rd or 4th degree tearing was higher with forceps, but that was it. I think I must have mustered up an ok, but I really can’t remember saying anything and that was it. There was no discussion about what could or would happen. As soon as that decision was made, the first thing the nurse asked him was if he wanted her to breakdown the bed and then about a thousand things happened at once. The OB asked if I’d had an ultrasound lately which I had a few weeks earlier. We talked about how the baby had measured – 37^th percentile as he was getting some things ready. A woman came in to give me another dose for my epidural. She came flying in the room and said nothing. I remember putting my hand out like she was going to put this in my IV line, to which she said no I’m going to put this back here and pointed. I think about that in how out of it and truly overwhelmed and scared I was in that moment.

After this the nurse asked if I minded is a resident observed. She practically shouted it from the doorway like it was something to hurriedly check off a list. I said, does it even matter at this point? I must have surprised her as she looked both flustered and confused. She said well…at which point I said it’s fine. I just wanted to end the conversation if you could even call it that. In the moment I was upset and scared about everything happening around me and that no one acknowledged me. No one had time to explain anything, but they had time to ask me if a resident could be present. I get so angry thinking about it now. At the time, I thought who cares about the resident, what about me.

The OB came back in the room after getting all gowned up and sat at the end of the bed. I smiled at him again and it was eerily reminiscent of just a few hours earlier. It was just something to say hey I’m here…acknowledge me. He didn’t say anything while he was placing the forceps or prepping. 

Sloane’s Birth

During the next contraction I pushed while the OB used the forceps to help guide her out. Honestly, it was a terrible experience. It feels like something is being pulled from you. I remember looking to the sides of the room during, at the nurse or the wall. At one moment I looked directly in front of me and saw the OB twisting back and forth with his foot on the end of the bed for leverage. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me and I couldn’t breathe. I was so startled and didn’t even know if I could keep going. I just froze in that moment. It’s the memory that haunts me the most. A minute or so later the OB smiled at us and told us her head was out. The room was so quiet. I thought it was just me, but even my husband commented how he wondered if our daughter would cry and how relieved he felt when she finally did. Sloane was born at 12:45p.m.

After she was born, they put her on my chest and that was it. It was so hard and uncomfortable to move from such a terrifying moment to one that was supposed to be filled with so much joy. The nurse immediately asked for one of our phones and took photos for us. She said don’t worry, I’ll make it tasteful…loved her for this. They are they only photos we have of the 3 of us from the hospital, because well covid. My husband cut the cord and we all guessed what her weight might be. It was such a turnaround in the room that I wasn’t prepared to move through. 

After my daughter was delivered and while the OB was stitching me up there was a tech or perhaps some sort of medical assistant who kept giving the OB grief about his dad sneakers. In the moment it was sort of comical but also very odd. Here I was having just given birth with my daughter and husband and this woman couldn’t stop going on about his shoes. It felt like it took him awhile to stitch me up, but he had also done a resection of the septum as well. In his words, he was going to “fix this while I’m here.” 

When it was time to move to my postpartum room, I was still so numb I couldn’t stand on my own. I tried several times but couldn’t. They had to wheel me in the bed and then move me from there. It wasn’t until almost 4 hours after I gave birth that I could walk on my own. Besides physically being numb I felt like I was in a fog. We spent two days in the hospital as Sloane had some bruising from delivery and had elevated jaundice levels. During covid most stays had been shortened so I was hopeful to go home the next day, but we had to stay an extra night. She had marks on her face and head from the forceps. I didn’t realize how those would impact me. I feel like I could see them for months after her birth and still sometimes think I do. When we finally got to go home two days later, I just sat down and sobbed in our dining room for what seemed like forever. I think it was letting out what had transpired in the last few days and trying to find the strength to tackle what was to come.

Postpartum

Trauma steals your joy. It changes you in ways you can’t fully understand until you have lived it. I struggled through that postpartum haze disconnected from my body and baby. I lost 40lbs in the first 6 weeks after I gave birth. I had lost the entirety of the “baby weight” and then some. Friends I would see or strangers on neighborhood walks would congratulate me and tell me how good motherhood looked on me. Little did they know my husband had to force me to eat one meal a day for the first two months. I only participated as I didn’t want my milk supply to drop. To the outside world I had succeeded. I lost the weight and I looked happy. Privately, I struggled deeply with postpartum depression and anxiety. Some days I thought it might swallow me whole. For a long time, I thought this was just how postpartum went and if I had been better equipped, stronger, or more prepared I could have handled it in stride. I wouldn’t have floundered and been unable to support my family in the way they and I deserved. 

No one tells you what it’s like to feel like a stranger in your own body. The one place you should feel at home, just isn’t anymore. I think a lot of postpartum women feel like this. I certainly did. But it’s another thing entirely not to trust it anymore. For months I felt like this experience happened to someone else, I lost the mind body connection I had worked so hard to restore years earlier. That’s the thing about trauma, it reaches every part of you. 

Some days I feel stuck. There are reminders everywhere. The mom with a toddler who is heavily pregnant. I’m jealous of her joy and that she is brave enough to do it all over again. Billboards advertising the hospital network where I gave birth send me right back. Someone casually asking if I’m going to have another baby sends me into an all day spiral.

 I read Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth while I was pregnant. She says, “Whenever and however you give birth, your experience will impact your emotions, your mind, your body, and your spirit for the rest of your life.” I understood it then, but I feel this in my bones now. I am forever changed in ways I couldn’t have known before. 

The thing about trauma is that it can bring you to your knees. It takes your breath away in the most unexpected of moments in ways that have a lifelong ripple effect. It’s the worst kind of heartbreak to have such a beautiful day stolen from you. Each of us who have walked this path must find ways to live in the in-between. We move forward grasping for joy while trying to manage the grief of the past. 

Bio

Hi, I’m Kate! I work as a financial planner and I live with my husband and daughter in Cincinnati.