My Second Pregnancy: Waiting and Wondering
To say the least, my second pregnancy was difficult. I will spare all the initial details but there were lots of tears, intense bleeding, feelings I had miscarried, and an unknown mass found on the baby’s abdomen that showed up on a regular ultrasound scan. It took weeks and a whole day at CHOP to figure out if this was serious or not, but all that waiting in between was filled with lots of anxiety, worry, tears, fear, and wondering if I will even have this little baby boy. Finally, at 28 weeks, lots of testing at CHOP, and extra ultrasounds to see my sweet boy, they told me I have a perfectly healthy baby boy and the mass found earlier was shrinking and benign.
So then, I started to get excited and felt extremely relieved. I felt confident I would have Brayden and the worry and anxiety began to melt away. Two boys were always my dream, and the thoughts of our family of four and what it would be like started to emerge. I finally started to decorate the room for Greggy and Brayden to share and agreed to a small baby shower to welcome him with immediate family and friends.
A side detail: I am type 1 diabetic, so I had appointments at the hospital typically 4x per week. Two of the four were non-stress tests. Thursday, May 31, 2019 I had one of my last non-stress tests at 36 weeks and I went into that appointment so hopeful they would admit me and induce this baby. BUT he passed with flying colors and was super active during the non-stress test and ultrasound after. Great news, I know, but I had that mom gut feeling I should stay to deliver this baby today.
Sunday. June 3, 2019: My husband and I were out shopping and out of nowhere, I felt strong contractions start. I told him, “We have to go, I am going into labor.” This was later in the day and my contractions, although intense and painful, (anyone ever experience back contractions?!) were not consistent. So, we went home, and I rested, made sure I had my bag packed, and laid in bed. I decided to wait until the contractions got closer together until going into the hospital. I ended up falling asleep.
The Moment I Will Never Forget
Monday June 4 2019: I had a 7:00 am non-stress test appointment, I woke up thinking “woah where did all the contractions go I can’t believe I fell asleep.” I got to the hospital for my appointment and sat in the chair. They put the pads on as usual, but today, there was NO heartbeat. I was rushed to an ultrasound only to stare at a screen with no movement just looking at my baby, still. The nurse ran out to get the high-risk doctor who came in to tell me “I am sorry Kaitlin but Brayden did not make it.” I will NEVER forget this moment. I was in shock, not even crying at this point because I don’t even think I realized what I was going through. I thought they were wrong. From this point on it was like my body went limp and I just went through the motions of the day. I was taken to an office to call my husband as I heard them talking about transporting me to labor and delivery to deliver my son, who wasn’t alive.
I remember the call with my husband, and I remember the nurses reaction. They acted confused and I heard chatter about what my husband was like because we both weren’t a sobbing mess. As if I called him to tell him I burnt the chicken, pick up dinner, please. I think back about that phone call every day. I remember telling him Brayden died. I remember him not understanding, I remember me trying to explain he had no heartbeat and wasn’t moving. Although I was answering his questions, I myself was skeptical and could not believe this was the truth. He told me he needed to go home first and make sure he had everything together for work (frowned upon by those at the hospital surrounding me, not your typical, something tragic happens and the love of your life rushes to the hospital). I could never ever be mad at his response, he needed time to process this and I think he cried more than me that day. It’s rare to see your husband break down and a big part of me felt like this was all my fault. I was supposed to deliver our healthy baby boy.
Delivering My Son, Brayden
Before I knew it, I was in labor and delivery. I laid in that bed being told I would deliver my son, not alive. I don’t know what I thought would happen, as if he’d magically come out, but processing going through a labor and delivery and him not being alive was terrifying to me.
I will never forget my OB walking into the room (who wasn’t working that day and I begged for the hospital to call him) I was shocked but felt so relieved he came. I am forever thankful for him and the support he gave me that day. The nurses I had were amazing, so kind, so supportive. They wrote me letters, made me a bracelet for him and a beautiful box to collect all his items from this day.
My husband arrived, and shortly after my mom, sister, and sister-in-law. It was hard to see everyone walk in so sad when my memories of family visiting at the hospital during labor was such an exciting time. As I was in labor, they had to ask me questions no parent EVER wants to answer: funeral arrangements. I never expected this. It’s only been a half hour and I am trying to process my baby not alive and now I had to know if I would bury or cremate him, I had to pick a funeral home, do I want a baptism tonight, and many other questions. In my head, I was still hopeful he would be alive so answering these questions were beyond difficult.
Labor began. It went as normal as it did with my first son. The most painfully difficult moment of my life was when it was time to push. Would he be alive, was this all a mistake? What would it be like to give birth to a baby who is dead? Every thought possible was rushing through my head. The delivery went similar to my first son: pushing, breathing, resting, pushing, and so forth. But then the words of “You’re almost there, he’s coming out.” But this was very different, because as he arrived, it was silent, he was born still. This is where I finally broke down. What do you do? I just gave birth to a dead baby. Do I hold him? Do I see him? How does this all work?
To hold your baby, not alive, is gut wrenching.
We decided to have a small baptism for Brayden and all our parents and siblings came. A priest was able to come to my hospital room and baptize Brayden. As difficult as this was, looking back I am so happy we decided on doing so, it’s one memory I have with him besides just the delivery. As family left, we chose to stay and spend it with Brayden. It was so strange, he was just lying there, dead, but I wanted any time I could get with him. I didn’t have to change him, I never heard him cry, we didn’t have to feed him every few hours. My husband and I pretended he was just sleeping for a long time. We couldn’t come to terms with what happened.
The following morning, we brought our son, G, to meet his brother Brayden. Too young to understand, but I live every day of my life trying to do small things to remember him or talk about him. I will cherish those pictures I took of us four forever.
Postpartum and Remembering Brayden
To be honest, what I went through that day was so painfully awful, but I had no idea what pain I would endure the following months. That day, although extremely difficult, mentally draining and exhausting, has bleed into every piece of my life. The hardest part was navigating the stages of grief afterwards, what people knew, what people thought of me, showing up to my business having to be “put together” and how I quickly realized no one knew how to talk to someone like me. The intense and severe postpartum depression is something I am still fighting through. I constantly cried. I held myself together all day and any second I had alone I would go into a downward spiral.
What many don’t know is that the birth of our daughter a year and one month later made my postpartum depression and anxiety so much worse. I am forever thankful for my husband and my mom who carried me through many months and supported me day in and day out. Many people supported me endlessly, but these two really knew the depths of how I was feeling inside. I fought for my life and happiness every day. It was hard to know I successfully gave birth to Gia, and I had feelings that I let Brayden down. I compared every milestone and holiday to Brayden, what he didn’t get to experience and what I didn’t get to experience with him. I always say Gia is smiling for two (herself and Brayden) it lights up the room. Every time she smiles at me, I take it as a sweet reminder Brayden is smiling down on us.
It has been almost 3 years of severe depression. My journey to happiness and feeling myself again is getting there. It has not been an easy road. I am blessed for my family. I will never stop sharing Brayden’s story and raising awareness. In my heart, we will always be a family of 5 and I always remember my sweet boy.
