My husband Mike and I tried for one month in the spring of 2015 before we conceived our first child. For Mike, seeing those two pink lines caused him to grin from ear to ear, but for me – my mind went to the emotion of fear. Maybe my body knew something that my brain didn’t, or maybe it was just my anxiety rearing its ugly head again, but when I saw those lines I panicked. I let the tears fall down my face until I finally gathered myself together and chose a different emotion – trust.
Pregnancy
Overall, I had a fairly easy first and second trimester, I had some nausea and some food aversions, but I handled it in stride. It wasn’t until around 19 weeks where some problems started to arise. My scan showed polyhydramnios – a large amount of amniotic fluid around our son. I, of course, was scared because it could mean a multitude of different conditions. However, more scans and tests showed our son was perfectly healthy and this was just how my pregnancy was. I had to go once a week for scans to make sure that the fluid wasn’t getting out of control and I was happy to go and see my active little guy each week.
At 31 weeks gestation I woke up and used the bathroom at around 7:30 am and when I wiped for whatever reason I looked at the toilet paper and saw bright red blood. I screamed for Mike and we called our doctor who advised us to get to the hospital immediately. I remember getting dressed and shaking just praying to God that he would protect us. We drove the 20 minute drive and arrived to the L&D unit of the hospital where they were expecting us. They ran a lot of tests and concluded the bleeding was due to shortening of the cervix and the contractions I was having were forcing my body into early labor. I had contractions pretty much all day from 18 weeks, my sister and Mother had the same so I just assumed it was normal for my family. They told me I needed to stay overnight to be monitored and they gave me Magnesium Sulfate to calm the contractions down. I was nervous and scared and felt horrible on the Magnesium. I had double vision and they had to draw my blood all night to make sure I wasn’t receiving too much. After a few days I was off of that medicine and the bleeding had stopped. Things were starting to look better. They decided they would send me home on bedrest. I felt so uneasy about going home because I felt safer being monitored. Just as they were getting the discharge papers together the tech took my vitals and my blood pressure was around 160/99. She got the doctor and they decided I wasn’t going home. I felt completely out of control and so angry at my body that all of these things kept happening to me. The staff at the hospital were so wonderful to me during this time. They made me feel at home, reassured me and kept me sane.
Birth “Wow-I did it”
After many tests, it showed I had pregnancy induced hypertension and needed to remain in the hospital until I gave birth. Those next couple of weeks were tough – I felt so lonely, upset and terrified. All day, I was fearful and dreaded each time they came in to take my blood pressure. I tried SO hard to be calm but nothing really worked. My doctor told me they needed me to deliver at 34 weeks because it was getting dangerous for both me and my son to remain pregnant. I was relieved but also terrified. I told everyone I was scared to die, that I didn’t want to die, that I wanted to be able to live and be a mother to my son. I knew something was off and I knew something would happen. The morning of December 8, 2015 came and we were moved to an L&D room to be induced. After about four hours I got up to use the bathroom and when I got settled back into bed I felt a gush – I thought my water broke. The nurse came in and looked confused and said there was some blood but not to panic. Then I felt another gush and watched as my husband, nurse and mother-in-law’s faces were etched with concern. Within seconds, my doctor was there along with an anesthesiologist and a few more nurses. I remember asking my doctor to come close to me and I begged her not to let me die. She told me she wouldn’t let me die and I was wheeled into the OR while I was signing my life away in paperwork. Once I was numb, Mike was allowed to come in. I couldn’t see very much because they took my glasses off, but I was glad that he was there. I kept asking if they were almost done. I was so nervous and kept getting waves of nausea. Once he came out they yelled, “5 pounds once ounce!” and I felt like “Wow, I did it.” The NICU team worked on Camden for a few minutes before my nurse brought him to me all wrapped up and said “Look what you worked so hard for, MOM” and I kissed him on his cheek and told him I loved him so much. They whisked him off to the NICU and Mike followed him.
Recovery, More Chaos
The nurses and doctors wheeled me into the recovery room and my nurse stayed right by my side. My blood pressure was up and down and she kept massaging my uterus every five minutes while she checked for bleeding. After about 10 minutes she checked again and I saw that same look wash over her face. I asked her “is everything okay?” and she just said there was more bleeding than there should be. My doctor rushed back in and they gave me a shot of something and ran more tests. There were a ton of nurses around me and they were covering me in warm blankets and trying to find a vein to start another line. My doctor told me they needed to transfer me to the ICU because the recovery room wasn’t equipped to handle this situation. As I was being wheeled to the ICU they started me back on Magnesium to control my blood pressure and once I was in the ICU they started blood transfusions. The ICU is truly a terrifying place. There are so many sounds and bright lights and it’s filled with such fear and sadness. They found me a room and I had such a kind nurse as I did in every place in that hospital, but nothing comforted me. I honestly didn’t know if I would live or die and I couldn’t feel my legs or see straight due to the medications. I just laid there clenching my legs praying to God that I wouldn’t feel that gushing feeling again. They gave me blood transfusions through the night and I didn’t allow myself to sleep for fear that I wouldn’t wake up.
In the morning, my MFM Doctor arrived and he was the kindest man in the world (a year after my son was born he tragically died of a heart attack). He told me he “didn’t want to believe I had lost so much blood” and held my hand as he told me the plan for the day. He was an angel from God I am certain. My Dad and sister drove from Maryland to be with me and my Dad held my hand the whole day. His love and comfort made me feel like I was going to pull through this. I saw my sister’s face turn white when she saw me and I knew I looked like death. The day was filled with more blood transfusions and tests and doctors. I had another sleepless night but I felt like I was starting to turn a corner. They continued to give me cyro to help with clotting because one of my factors kept going up and then back down. Other than that my numbers were starting to turn around and go back to normal.
The second day they told me I was going to be transferred back upstairs to our room on the mother baby unit, I couldn’t believe it. I made it. I can be a mother to my son. The first time I stood up I didn’t know how I could ever walk again, it was so painful. I hadn’t been allowed to move in two days and I could barely move without excruciating pain due to the c-section. But, God. God was written all over this story of mine. I mustered up the strength to move a little and try to pee by myself (first time in two days! I had a folly) I felt proud of myself for so many reasons. They told me I could go see Camden and I was shaking. I was so nervous. It really is a terrible feeling not being able to see your child for days after having him taken out of your body. I think so much of my attachment to him now stems from the trauma of missing his first few days of his life, it was such a terrible feeling. When we got to the NICU they handed me my little boy, my perfect little boy and I just sang to him and cried. I looked over every inch of his little body marveling at the goodness of God. Every day I got stronger and stronger, pushing through the pain and pumping away to provide for Camden.
Discharge, Bittersweet
After a week, we were told that we could go home, and it was a bittersweet feeling. That hospital had become my home, the nurses and doctors and staff – my friends, my family. I had a sense of comfort there because I was monitored and looked after, who would look after me now? The day we left Mike and I both cried, it was so emotional – those people saved my life, they saved my son’s life. Fast forward five years and my little boy is growing so tall – he’s had some challenges – two eye surgeries to correct strabismus but other than that he is just perfect. He is so smart and kind, his heart is made of pure love and I couldn’t be prouder of the young man he is becoming.
The Emotional Recovery
As for me, I am still here – the PTSD and trauma affect my life every day. I have severe health anxiety which is a struggle for me but I try my hardest to push it aside and be the best Mom to my son. This experience has made me so grateful to be a Mother and I have spent every day for five years being the best Mom I can be to my son and I am so grateful for that. I was able to be home with him and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world, it has been the best. In the beginning of my story, when I said “My body knew something my brain didn’t” It turns out after testing that I have a very rare congenital bleeding disorder – Dysfibrinogenemia, my body makes the right amount of fibrinogen but it is “dysfunctional”. My doctors think that could’ve been part of the reason for what happened but the high blood pressure and the Polyhydramnios also didn’t help matters. Regardless of any of that I am so glad that I am here today, I am so glad to be a Mother to my son and I am glad that maybe one day I can help someone else feel less alone who has had or is going through a birth trauma. No matter how much time has passed the trauma remains just as prominent as it was on that day, and all anyone can do to help is be kind, listen and try to understand.
