To begin, my first child’s birth in 2016 was very hard back labor and recovery. My husband and I waited 3 years to try again. We had conversations with our doctor to prepare and plan support. We researched a different hospital close to home. We prayed for a different birth story for our daughter. Unfortunately, that is not what happened. 

I am an Event Planner at a local college and we had a small 6 family event Friday, November 6, 2020. I have had many sinus surgeries and issues. So when I woke up not feeling well I just thought I had a sinus infection which caused my headache and my pregnancy nausea to feel worse. I had dealt with nausea my entire pregnancy but that was worse. I remember the event was over and I came back to my office and messaged my boss on google hangouts “I am going to lay on my office floor for a little bit then head home. I am not feeling well and still have a 45 min drive home.” 

COVID Diagnosis

I went through the weekend doing all my sinus remedies I knew. Saturday my husband took our son to his side job driving semi all day so I could rest. Monday I went to my OB check-up and we changed my nausea meds hoping that would help. Monday afternoon I got a text from someone they tested positive for COVID. I miserably went and waited 2 hours to get covid tested at Bremen, Indiana Hospital drive thru. They said it would be 2 to 3 days until I heard. The next morning right at 8:00am I got a phone call saying I was positive for COVID. Tuesday evening I was really not feeling well and my husband took me to the Bremen, Indiana ER. They gave me oxygen and IV and I was feeling a little better. They said come back if you get worse. I kept hoping things would get better but by Friday my husband was carrying me to and from the bathroom. I had been throwing up non stop for days, running a fever, and couldn’t breathe. I thought I was dying and I finally asked my husband to take me to the ER again and my parents watched my son even though they were sick. I was sure I would be home in a couple hours like last time. I made my son stay away from me so he wouldn’t get sick from the day I found out I was COVID positive. I was positive I would be back home soon. I didn’t hug him goodbye. One of my biggest regrets. 

When I arrived at the ER my husband went in and got a wheelchair because I could not walk I was so weak. He lifted me out of the car and pushed me into the ER. They put me in a small waiting room by myself and shut the door and told my husband he would have to wait outside in the car. The minutes felt like hours as I sat there waiting for someone to save me. I grabbed the trash can in the room that was near my wheelchair wheel because I was not doing well. Finally someone came to get me. They hooked up a monitor for the baby, started IVS, put an oxygen mask on me and gave me nausea meds. As I sat in the ER trying to breathe I was trying to keep my husband updated through texts. After a while I hear nurses talking about transporting me.  I text my husband “I think they are transporting me to Indy (2 hours away).” He was frantically texting me questions. Are you that bad you have to go? How is a baby? Am I driving you? No one has told me anything? Can I see you? Is there anything I can do? During this time my IV started to hurt. I looked down and I have a bubble on my arm. I asked the nurses if it was normal and they quickly put a new line in. When the transport team got to the hospital they said they had to get another line in. They needed two options. 

Saying Goodbye

During all of this, my husband was trying to figure out what was happening. The nurse finally told me to tell him to meet me by the ambulance entrance and he could see me before I left from a distance. Tears rolled down my face as I waved goodbye. I felt like I had no voice at that moment that I needed my husband more than ever. I don’t blame the doctors they were just trying to keep everyone safe. 

My son’s birthday was just a few days away and we had kept him away from me all week to keep him healthy. I was scared to die and I didn’t get to hug my son or husband before I left. In the ambulance I text my husband to get our son a gift. I text my sister to give him the best birthday ever. Since my husband could not come with me he went home to comfort our son. 

In the ambulance two sweet, sweet ladies tried to comfort me. Asking what music I wanted to listen to and they were singing. It was such a good distraction. The whole ride down they had to wear hot suits and masks and I felt so bad for them. As we drove down they comforted me and helped me find little rest as silent tears rolled down my cheeks. I was headed to a hospital 2 hours from home, 32 weeks pregnant and all alone. 

We arrived at the hospital in Indianapolis and the entrance was at a lower level of a parking garage. They wheeled me in and took me through doorways covered in plastic. It was like something out of a movie. I got into my room and another doc came in and asked me about doing an experimental covid drug / plasma? I was mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. I had been puking nonstop for days and still was at this point and alone. Another nurse was monitoring the baby on this big machine and I recorded my baby’s heartbeat sound on my phone as I didn’t know if it would be the last time I would hear it. I read some paperwork they gave me about the drug/plasma and asked the doctor to explain which he did. I then said “Am I going to die”? I can’t make this decision for me and my baby.. They asked what I needed and I said “I need my husband with me”. My husband texted me “O my you don’t need me” then sent me a picture of my son that I had not hugged all week and said “He needs you”. Throughout the next couple hours my husband and I tried to text as much as possible. He tried to cheer me up and update me on my son. My heart broke every time my son would ask where I was. My husband was trying to keep me positive and jokingly texting me. I texted him I had to use a bedpan and he joked well at least you don’t have to get out of bed anymore. His last text to me was “I love you, be strong and come back to us” A couple days later he texted me “I love you and we miss you” a couple weeks later “Happy Birthday I love you so much”. I never responded to any of his texts until December 2 and responded “Ivtcyhdrir.iit.hetsd”. I was put on a ventilator right before his “Be strong” text. 

As they took me to go on the ventilator I was crying. On the news all I knew was people died when they got to this point. Am I going to die? In this room full of people I lay there holding a nurse’s hand. This nurse was an angel from God. I held their hand asking if I was going to die. I begged them not to leave me. I held their hand so tight it wasn’t an option for them to leave.  I was so sick and I laid my other hand on my big baby belly. Will my baby survive? Is this the end? I remember looking out their glass doors watching doctors talk. Asking them to hurry and save us. I remember asking someone if I will feel it, will I be awake. A Lot of beeping, people running around and here I was and a mask coming down on my face. I felt my body fading. From what I am told I had a seizure when they put the ventilator on. 

My husband received a call and grabbed the closest thing he had… a paper plate. He wrote “Vent 100%, on my stomach now to allow lungs to expand, increased sedation, tried to pull out tubes, given plasma……All my family had to hold onto was a paper plate 2 hours from me.

The ICU: A Terrifying Place

All I remember the next few days/weeks are terrifying hallucinations. They call it ICU delirium. Hallucinations are not just bad dreams, they are HELL. They were real. They still haunt me. They may sound completely insane if you would ever read my detailed hallucinations but they were so real that my body physically and mentally felt everything. Even today my body holds these hallucinations and smells, colors, shapes, sounds trigger me. I begged to die in these moments.  Please watch this video if you have time. It helped me finally explain to my loved ones what I was dealing with mentally. Because my hallucinations were so bad and I was pregnant and needed to keep calm they had to keep upping my meds which made these worse is what I understand. They also had to restrain my arms and legs because they told my husband I was being very aggressive. Just imagine tubes, wires, hallucinating, alone, pregnant, everyone is wearing suits, and masks, you are in isolation AND your hands and legs are restrained. 

Baby’s Arrival

My husband says they called him one day and said “you need to be ready”. “We might be delivering your baby via c section.” He was told he needed to get a rapid COVID test in order to see the baby if they did take the baby via c section. My husband called his sister to come get a test with him because he assumed he would fail the COVID test and he didn’t want the baby to be alone. They had a terrible time trying to find a place to get a test but when they finally did and miraculously my husband’s COVID test was negative. While he was getting his test he got the call “Baby was here and get down here whenever you can.” “Baby and mom were both stable” and they hung up. Family scrambled to put a diaper bag together for my husband and get him packed and ready to go to Indianapolis. My husband spent a little time with our son before heading to be with our baby girl. 

 My husband arrived at the NICU hospital in the evening. He walked in and he did a COVID screening and found the NICU floor. The first two days our daughter was in an isolette in isolation until she passed 3 negative COVID tests. My husband had to put on a gown, facemask, gloves, and just look at her. It was 5 days until my husband actually held our daughter for the first time. My husband lived at the St Vincent house provided by hospital and hotels for weeks visiting our daughter for hours everyday in the NICU. He had to meet with nurses, doctors, and social workers. He did all the primary caregiver classes and videos on his own. He learned to feed, hold, and care for her all by himself. I can’t imagine everything my husband had to go through to hold our family together: wife on vent, baby in NICU, 4 year old at home with family. He is the silent, quiet type, and he had to take calls from not only his wife’s doctors and nurses, but his daughter’s NICU doctors and nurses and insurance companies and work through his work and my work’s FMLA paperwork to ensure we still had insurance for our family, our new baby, and a paycheck coming in. 

I was still in ICU and trying to come off the ventilator while he was with our baby girl. I was not coming off the drugs very well and freaked out every time they tried. I was aggressive because I thought someone stole my baby and hallucinating.  NICU babies do really well with breastmilk and my husband knew I had planned to breastfeed my daughter like I did my son. My primary doctor and talked many times about my wishes and wanting support when I gave birth so I didn’t have to exclusively pump this time and breastfeeding would work this time around. My doctor and husband discussed the possibility of pumping while I was on the vent to provide for our daughter. My primary  doctor was in contact with my doctors in Indianapolis about this. They were unsure how my body would react but if they waited until I could make the decision it would probably be too late. Although this decision has been hard for me to wrap my head around mentally, physically, and emotionally. I am thankful I now have the option and ability to provide breastmilk for my daughter. Lactation nurses and my normal nurses pumped for me. I feel like this should be in my medical records somewhere but I can’t find information on it anywhere. 

Fighting to Survive

When they finally weaned me off the vent I was moved out of ICU Isolation. I was still hallucinating and not sure who I was or where I was. In one of my previous hallucinations I was being held hostage. One day I thought I heard the voices again and dove out of my bed and army crawled (since I could not walk) to my bathroom and locked myself in there. Eventually the doctors and nurses got me out and got me back in the bed after CT & MRI scans which I thought was their attempt to kill me again (see video referred to early for reference). They put alarms on my bed that if I moved it would sound and I was put on 24/7 supervision. My husband was upset because he thought I was already being watched closely and this would have never happened if I was not alone. Time went on and I had to relearn to walk, talk, and eat after the feeding tube came out. I lost 40 lbs while in the hospital. Doctors and lactation nurses checked on me regularly. The lactation nurses would come get milk from me and take my milk to the NICU hospital and update my husband on me. At this point what bothers me looking back is why could they go to and from but not my husband? The lactation nurses were very sweet trying to keep me posted on my daughter and husband brining my pictures and foot prints from my daughter. 

To speed the story forward, I finally was discharged on December 6, 2020. My husband was still not allowed inside to help me pack or anything and had to wait for me outside the hospital. This was the first time I saw him since I waved to him before getting in the ambulance. I had literally gone through hell, been cut open, a baby taken out, sewn back together and everyone just saw “me” as being back. But, as you can imagine I was not the same person as I was going in. My husband was waiting for me outside and I just collapsed into his arms soaking in the warmth of his hug. At this point I had not seen my son or daughter. I was utterly exhausted and weak and tapped out of any emotion or mental state BUT I wanted to meet my daughter and see my son. The NICU COVID rules were 1 person at a time and only 2 people totally allowed your child’s entire stay. My husband didn’t allow anyone else to see our baby girl because he never knew when I would be discharged and wanted to save the second slot for me. They made a special exemption to allow my husband to wheel my wheelchair up and lift our 5lb baby girl onto my lap since I was too weak before he had to leave and sit in the car until I was done. This moment was a lot for me. I didn’t know what to feel. I was happy, but no connection, I was triggered by all the sounds, but couldn’t comprehend the moment.

After 1 hour, I had no strength to be in the NICU anymore and my husband came to get me. He then took me to the St. Vincent house which is a house the hospital hosts families in. This is where I got to see and hug my son again. I was so weak and tired. The next couple days were a blur. I would see our baby girl a few more times in NICU, I would cry myself to sleep and only watch kids shows on hotel tv because everything triggered me, try to pump, and just try to figure out life while sitting in a strange St. Vincent house or hotel. The anxiety and depression got really bad while living out of the hospital but not at home. Finally, at the end of my 1st week out my husband decided I would heal better back home and took me home to my parents and son. He went back to living in a hotel until our baby girl finally came home December 17, 2021. Finally, our family was in 1 place together for the 1st time. It was a Christmas miracle. 

My daughter is 7 months old now and life is still very very hard. My doctor has me on anxiety and depression drugs, I work with a health coach, I am in talk therapy and EMDR every week. Every minute of every day I have to decide to keep living, to keep pushing, to find joy, to be thankful, to do the work. Some days I am great and think I am through the hard work but other days I am crushed and don’t want to be a mom, wife, friend, coworker, or even myself. 

My life is a mess, God broke me into a million pieces. I am still trying to figure out how to not cry everyday. I am not yet sure what to do with my story, who it will help, where to go from here, but all I do know is I am supposed to be unscripted, unedited, raw, and honest about my struggles and God will do the rest. 

P.S. If you were one of my nurses or doctors at St Vincent Hospital in Indianapolis I would love to talk to you. I am desperately reading my medical records hoping to see myself in them but I can’t.  

The Author

Hi, My name is Lacey Pfeiffer from rural Northern Indiana. I am an Event planner at a small private college. Momma of two beautiful blonde hair blue eyed babies Kruz & Lux and wife to my high school sweetheart Kevin.